When it’s been a rough day
Take a deep breathe in. Now let it out. Need another? Take as many as you need. Let. That. Shit. Go.
Sometimes finding your good enough is gonna be a lot harder than others. Who cares? Breathe that shit out.
Today was rough
Today was really rough. It finally hit me how much I am missing my 2 bigs. After having them virtually the entire summer. Remember that blended family thing? The “stay at home little” has been taking the brunt of the loneliness, but proving his weight in resilience…
Until today. He woke up missing them and he fell asleep missing them. And trying to convince a 3 1/2 year old that they’ll be back is an amazing task that I failed at. Capital FAILURE. He cried and I held my composure. He cried harder and I finally had enough. I lost it. Tears came flooding out of these lovely blues like waterfalls. Now how on earth is a little supposed to keep it together when his “go to” can’t keep her shit together? He’s not. We got it out. He crashed in my arms. While I passed thankfuls through my distorted brain.
I laid him down. Kissed his squishy face. And found my pen.
I could have sank into a bottle of tequila, listening to Alanis Morissette and cried myself to sleep. This isn’t a good way to impress the husband. And makes for a crappy Tuesday. So how did I do it? How did I stop the blabbering tears and find my good enough?
First off, I cried. Right into the arms of a 3 1/2 year old. We needed each other. It only lasted about 10 minutes but it was the best 10 minutes of my day. We agreed to live right there in that moment. He didn’t care about any monsters in his closet and I didn’t care about ANYTHING. But being right there. It was amazing. He drifted off to sleep and I was reminded why kids are so F&#$%+! AMAZING.
Feelings and emotions are part of being human. How you react to them is what determines the outcome. Some emotions shouldn’t be reacted upon initially and some not at all. But when the time is right. Go for it. Get the energy out so you can rewire yourself to a more peaceful place.
My heart was full. But I still needed to get out the anxious helpless feeling. A lock the doors, windows shut scream kind of feeling. In steps a ragged purple spiral notebook that I high jacked from the kiddos. Filled with Darth Vader sketches, rainbows and scribbles. And a hot pink pen. Fine point. It took a moment for the words to find their way to the paper. But they came.
I did stop to find a photo of the 2 currently missing. OK, this took awhile to find a photo of the 2 bigs. Both smiling. With hands to themselves. But THAT was a big win. I wasn’t sure that photo actually existed. Win to find my good enough.
When your mind and body have the opportunity to release pent up energy it allows the the brain to focus on how to move past the feeling. Breathing. Focus away from what sparked the feeling. Make the feeling less intense. Crying isn’t always the right choice. Maybe its a walk or beating up a pillow. If it’s safe. Do it.
The kids didn’t magically appear. Boo. But I felt OK again. My kids were having a great time at their grandparents ( Who aren’t spring chickens). A2 and I had a much needed moment. I worked through what could have been sad disappointing evening hat could have turned into an ugly morning.
I realize no planets were saved from aliens. And tomorrow might not be the best day ever. But we made it. We chose to take a breathe, let the process happen and be thankful for progress.